Post Miracle Parenting

The Power Of Play, by Stacy G. York, LCSW

marshall — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 21:43:22 +0000

There is more and more research about the power of play and how it can help our health as well as our relationships. We have known for years that children who play with other children benefit because they learn social reciprocity. There are a lot of other things that are learned from play as well. We learn to share, we learn to use our imagination, we learn problem solving. A tremendous benefit from play is the outlet of stress. Laughter makes us feel better.

The dilemma for play is that many of us stop doing it after a certain age. When we have children, we forget to play with them. For years, play therapists have been playing with children as a way of communicating. Play is the way children communicate. Play is also important in sequential brain development. As my therapeutic work continues, I have begun to teach families how to play together. What I have observed is healthier interactions, increased windows of tolerances, and the development of positive neurofeedback loops.

We as adults look forward to vacations. We ski, snowboard, golf, hunt, fish, camp, ride bikes, shop, go out to eat. These are all stress relievers. These things feel good. As adults, we are responsible for giving children the opportunity to play. We are also responsible for being their play partners early on in their lives. Children must learn to play with their caregivers first before they will engage in successful play with their peers. As they become more confident in their play skills, their social skills with flourish as well.

Play can often be for only a few minutes several times a day to be effective. Many children feel so much better after they play. Kids can release so much stress, anxiety, tension, and energy when they get outside. Sometimes they need to be taught how to play outside. That’s where we as adults come in. Let’s face it, we feel better when we get active too. Go outside, take a walk, dig in the dirt, play on the swings, engage with your kids and have FUN. Use your imaginations. Create a play world that is special between you and your child. We spend all winter retreating inside to stay warm. Spending time outside with your children will help build relationships. Relationship is the number one strategy for “managing your child’s behavior.”

10 Tips for Your Baby’s Emotional Development Success (Part 3 of 3)

Bryan Post — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 20:25:05 +0000

This is the third and final part of a 3-part series. To read it from the beginning, click here.

When crying is more than you can handle, take a time-out for yourself.
When I coach parents with young children, I am anti-time-out. Instead, I teach “time-in.” It’s okay for parents to take a time-out for themselves, however, when they feel upset, frustrated, or anxious by their baby’s cries. Crying for a short time will not harm your baby, and it’s much better for you to remove yourself rather than do something you’ll regret later out of the distorted thinking that stress creates. Call a friend or family member, and ask for a little support. Sit down, drink a glass of water, and breathe. Ask yourself, “What is this really triggering for me?” Many parents are adversely affected by the crying of their babies. This does not make you a bad parent. Try to avoid judging yourself. Instead, take the time you need. Make a conscious effort to process your feelings, and then, go to your baby. Of course, try to avoid leaving your baby to cry except under the most critical of situations. Too much crying alone is scary and overwhelming for your baby. Additionally, her brain is not equipped to soothe herself. Babies left to “cry it out” or “cry themselves to sleep” come to believe that their cries are not okay and that others cannot be trusted to soothe them. So, they must learn to soothe themselves. This can form the basis for many issues such as defiance, attachment challenges, and emotional relationship struggles with others that may last for the rest of their lives. This particular point cannot be overemphasized. If necessary, ask for help.
Talk to your baby about feelings.
Because we view our baby as non-communicative, we may not share and talk about the feelings we are experiencing or that he is experiencing. It’s important to understand that there are more to words than just the talking. A word is a vibration pattern, and it carries an emotional state. An emotion is energy in motion. There are only two primary emotions: love and fear. When you or your baby is upset, speak it. Say to your baby, “Mommy is feeling really tired and stressed right now.” Possibly even, “Mommy feels very sad right now, and I’m sorry that I can’t hold you as much as you would like.” Getting into a pattern of such communication with your baby at the earliest stages will begin to set the groundwork for his ability to communicate and identify his own feelings as he grows older. As a professional who has worked with thousands of families over the years, both children and adults, one of the biggest challenges I encounter is when a child has never had a voice. This happens as a result of the suppression caused by mis-attunement, absence, and abuse (in the worst cases.) If you are willing to talk to your baby about what you feel in a non-blaming, non-shaming manner, you will begin to teach him how to do the same. One of the tragedies of our society is that our children grow up without a voice. This is mostly due to the fact that we grew up in homes where children were to be seen and not heard. Unfortunately, when you are not heard, you soon begin to feel as though you’re not seen and not worthy either.
The loving and compassionate husband.
For moms, the act of parenting and nurturing is often quite natural. Mom always seems to know where something is, always seems to know the right thing to say, the right person to call, and the right people to ask. This is not always the case for us fathers. Now, granted, there are plenty of moms who have their fair share of parenting struggles, but I wager that there are far more dads facing those struggles. As a by-product of society and perhaps the evolution of our species over time, men have been directed for centuries to be hunters rather than gatherers. During this new age, when many of the responsibilities of parenting must be shared, the adjustments that new fathers have to make can be challenging. Here, I would like to briefly discuss a few ways that Dad can get into the attachment exchange with the baby.
- When possible, do everything that Mom does: Bathe with your baby, feed your baby, be present while Mom is nursing, change diapers, take your shirt off and get skin-to-skin contact with your baby, sleep with the baby, and never ever let your past conditioning interfere with your giving affection to your baby (whether the baby is a boy or a girl.) Society has long been wrong about the role of Dad in the life of the newborn. Get in the game.
- Support Mom. Caring for an infant is a full-time job plus. It is both physically and emotionally exhausting, and it will usually leave Mom feeling unattractive and tired. It’s your role to support her in every way that you can. Get up in the middle of the night with her to care for the baby. Though this is one of the great advantages of co-sleeping, I can recall many an interrupted night of sleep. Yet, my wife continued on day after day. I was constantly amazed at how she did it, but, then again, love is very powerful. See your wife as the vessel for your child’s ultimate health. If she is upset, calm her. If she is depressed, support her. Many times, new fathers can also feel overwhelmed. I suggest that you follow many of the processes outlined in this article for uncovering hidden negative associations and experiences from your own early childhood.
- Examine your jealousy. Many new dads unwittingly find themselves jealous of the baby. Mom may laugh at this suggestion, but it’s not only very common but can be very painful for Dad. He has just gone from having his wife mostly to himself to having a new little person who is the center of your attention. Dad doesn’t make Mom glow like he used to, but that new little person sure does. Dad’s own early baby experiences will determine what feelings may get triggered for him. Most dads will avoid looking at or talking about such feelings because they’re embarrassed and don’t know quite what to say. It’s very simple. Just say, “I feel jealous. I feel like I must have missed out on something, and seeing you take such good care of our baby really makes me feel sad.” This is not a life or death situation, but neither is it one to be taken too seriously. Mom, you can help by just listening. Don’t get defensive because that will only initiate a negative exchange. Just listen and support, and ask Dad what he remembers about what it was like for him as a baby. This can be a great time for open communication and learning more about one another.
- Wrestle with your baby. A primary evolutionary role for dads is to provide a natural experience for testosterone secretion and balancing. This is important for both boys and girls. It’s a critical role for Dad to play and also an important opportunity for attachment and bonding. Once the baby hits the six-month range, it’s acceptable to begin the typical Daddy interactions of tussling, rolling, tossing in the air, blowing bellies, carrying upside down, etc. Many such activities are also amazing brain stimulation for the baby. So, be Dad.
You are now a parent for life, but you don’t have a lifetime to give your baby the foundation that influences him throughout his life the most.
I can recall lying in bed with my wife on many occasions, and our little girl would cry out for her. I’ve rolled over, reaching for my wife’s spoon-perfect body only to find myself patting the mattress frantically as if I’m looking for an earring. Then, I realize she’s with our daughter. During these times, I notice the first tinge of jealousy and frustration. As I sit with it and recognize it even in the dead of night, I feel myself shift to the realization and acceptance that these are the most important years of my daughter’s life – the years that will continue to guide her even after I’m gone. How can I be selfish and jealous about that? I’m doing my part. As my wife is able to feel supported by me to give to our daughter, she can do so with less anxiety and fear about how I might be feeling. In this manner, she’s able to be 100% present with our child, and that alone is a great gift to give my daughter. Also, in another few years, those nightly interruptions will be gone forever. (Well, until she hits her teens, and we hear the raising of a window as she tries to sneak out!) All kidding aside, those nights will soon be in the past, and I will most likely never get to experience those nights, mornings, or afternoons again. These are the years that matter, and today is the most important. Be the best parent you can be, but remember that you don’t have to be perfect. Mistakes are normal and to be expected. Just seek to grow and learn from them, and you will be okay. Your baby only needs you to do your best, and from your baby’s perspective, your best is good enough.

This series is excerpted from Bryan Post’s e-book, Parenting Softly, available in the products section of this website. If you’ve found these tips helpful and enlightening, then you’re going to love his book! More details about the book can be found here. You can also add it to your cart by simply clicking here:

10 Tips for Your Baby's Emotional Development Success (Part 2 of 3)

Bryan Post — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 01:57:09 +0000

This is the second part of a 3-part series. To read it from the beginning, click here.

Be joyful. Joy is the other side of healthy attachment.

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and slinging are all excellent attachment actions, but they will be nullified if you are not feeling joy while you do them. A mother in Australia became frustrated because in her words, “I did it all. I nursed till they were three. I was always home and never left them, but still they struggle.” I discussed this with her, and she revealed that she had been miserable, anxious, and depressed when the children were young. She was unhappy with the father, and she didn’t feel understood, heard, or loved. She was absent of joy. It’s imperative to find the joy in life because your energy is shared by everyone, especially your baby. If you need to see a counselor, talk to friends, engage in hobbies, or join a mothering group, do it! This time in your baby’s life is far too short for the two of you to not be “in joy” with one another. And what is joy? It’s merely an alive expression of love.
Hold. Hold. Hold. You cannot spoil a baby.

It is physiologically impossible to spoil your child through holding. In fact, research has demonstrated time and again that babies cry and fuss less when they are held more, cuddled more, and nurtured more. Babies whose demands are met frequently and regularly by a loving, attuned caregiver also digest their food better and later demonstrate greater independence. The old wisdom of teaching children to be independent too soon through feeding themselves, going to the toilet themselves, dressing themselves, etc. has led to generations of selfish, dependent adults incapable of making decisions for themselves, much less being mindful of the needs of others. The opposite of what we have been taught is true. A child raised with the capacity to be dependent on the parent in a healthy way is the child who grows up to be more independent later in life. The only way to spoil a child occurs when they are older through material overindulgence, which often becomes a substitute for parental attention.
There is no harm in a baby crying as long as you’re present.

Many parents become overly anxious when their baby begins to cry, feeling as if they must calm him immediately. Crying is a natural part of stress expression. It’s a signal that a need of some sort needs to be met. Typically, we become stressed by the cries of our baby because of past negative experiences when we were made to believe that our emotions weren’t okay. It’s normal for a baby to cry, but you need to be present when it happens. When you pick up your baby, there is no need to immediately place a pacifier in his mouth to quiet him. (In fact, I suggest avoiding pacifiers altogether.) Rather pick your baby up, rock him gently, and say, “Oh, my little baby is all upset about something. I wonder what it might be.” As you check the important areas: fever, hunger, diaper, need to burp, etc., keep telling your baby, “Yes, yes, let those cries out. It’s okay. Mommy (or Daddy) is here. We’ll find out what you need.” Sometimes, your baby simply needs to be picked up and engaged with you, but the point is that crying is unavoidable. The Miracle Blanket is an excellent tool for new parents to use with their babies to promote soothing. The Miracle Blanket teaches parents how to swaddle their children in a manner that soothes the child instantly because the warmth and firmness of the blanket’s special material creates a womb-like experience for the child. Truly, this should be one of the resources given to every parent upon leaving the maternity ward. Finally, it’s important to once again gauge your own internal reactions to your baby’s cries. How do you feel inside when your baby cries? In time, you will become more sensitive and attuned to what your baby needs. Then, he will cry less, but, in the meantime, when a cry arises, know that it’s going to be okay. You are a good parent. You are loving, gentle, understanding, and you can meet your baby’s every need.

This was the second part of a three part series. To continue to the third and final part, click here.

10 Tips for Your Baby's Emotional Development Success (Part 1 of 3)

Bryan Post — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 22:31:14 +0000

This is the first part of a 3-part series:

10 Tips for Your Baby’s Emotional Development Success, excerpted from Bryan Post’s e-book, Parenting Softly.

Your baby’s brain is growing at the most rapid pace it ever will.

Science informs us that between the ages of zero and five years, your baby’s brain will more than triple in size. Dendrites are developing, synapses are connecting, and neural pathways are laid down, which will drive both the personality and formation of relationships for the rest of your child’s life. This is the most critical stage of development. John Bowlby, known as the Father of Attachment, says that the first three years of your baby’s life establish the blueprints for all future relationships. So, the next time you find yourself feeling tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, and stressed out, make this affirmation to yourself, “This is a very brief and important time in my child’s life. What I can give of myself right now that will hold a positive impression for the rest of his/her life?”
Nothing is more important to your baby’s healthy emotional development than a present, loving, and attuned parent.

Until your baby is at least three years of age, barring no significant traumas or stressors, she will not even begin to be equipped with the capacity to calm her own stressors, such as hunger cries, nighttime cries, stranger anxiety, and the need to be close to you. You are an extension and teacher to both her brain and body system. In other words, she learns to cope with stress through you. The more calm and present you can be with her, the greater the teaching she will receive from you.

Science informs us that we are 90% water. This means that 90% of what we feel and internalize takes place on a non-verbal, unconscious level. Your anxiety, stress, and fear are automatically received by your child. So, learn to breathe. Breathing is the single proven way to calm ourselves down. Yet, the first thing we do when we feel stress is stop breathing. In the midst of your baby’s crying, practice the following: Pick up your child, sit in a comfortable chair, and close your eyes. With your eyes closed, rock her back and forth, inhale through your nose, and exhale out of your mouth in deep, rhythmic breaths. Your breathing goal is rhythm, quiet, and depth. Envision your physical energetic body wrapping
around your baby and bringing soothing to her through your body. You don’t have to talk. Just rock slowly and breathe.
Eye contact is the single greatest way to stimulate the frontal lobe, which is the center of your baby’s social and emotional development.

Take time each day to gaze gently into your baby’s eyes. As you are doing this, remember to breathe at a steady, relaxed pace. Allow your baby to share your breath. Why? The amygdala is a small almond shaped cluster at the base of your baby’s brain, and this is where stress and fear originate. Smell is the pathway that goes directly to the amygdala. As you gently allow your baby to share your breath and study your eyes, you will connect at a very cellular level. This attachment practice greatly enhances connection, soothing, and attunement. And while gazing into your baby’s eyes, listen to your own body: Do you struggle to maintain the gaze? Are you challenged by allowing your baby to share your breath? Are you feeling uneasy about prolonged closeness?

These questions will give you insight into how you were parented in your early years. Often, it’s difficult to give what we didn’t get unless we make a conscious and mindful effort to do so.

If such anxiety and unease arises, simply acknowledge it, breathe into it, and make note of it. Once you have completed your baby time, be sure to talk to your spouse or a friend about what you experienced.

Start to process any challenges you experience regarding closeness with your baby, including eye contact, skin-to-skin contact, and your reaction to her cries. The earlier you can grasp these insights, the better off you will be with her in the future.

This is the first of a three-part series. To continue to the second part, click here.