10 Tips for Your Baby’s Emotional Development Success (Part 3 of 3)
This is the third and final part of a 3-part series. To read it from the beginning, click here.
When crying is more than you can handle, take a time-out for yourself.
When I coach parents with young children, I am anti-time-out. Instead, I teach “time-in.” It’s okay for parents to take a time-out for themselves, however, when they feel upset, frustrated, or anxious by their baby’s cries. Crying for a short time will not harm your baby, and it’s much better for you to remove yourself rather than do something you’ll regret later out of the distorted thinking that stress creates. Call a friend or family member, and ask for a little support. Sit down, drink a glass of water, and breathe. Ask yourself, “What is this really triggering for me?” Many parents are adversely affected by the crying of their babies. This does not make you a bad parent. Try to avoid judging yourself. Instead, take the time you need. Make a conscious effort to process your feelings, and then, go to your baby. Of course, try to avoid leaving your baby to cry except under the most critical of situations. Too much crying alone is scary and overwhelming for your baby. Additionally, her brain is not equipped to soothe herself. Babies left to “cry it out” or “cry themselves to sleep” come to believe that their cries are not okay and that others cannot be trusted to soothe them. So, they must learn to soothe themselves. This can form the basis for many issues such as defiance, attachment challenges, and emotional relationship struggles with others that may last for the rest of their lives. This particular point cannot be overemphasized. If necessary, ask for help.
Talk to your baby about feelings.
Because we view our baby as non-communicative, we may not share and talk about the feelings we are experiencing or that he is experiencing. It’s important to understand that there are more to words than just the talking. A word is a vibration pattern, and it carries an emotional state. An emotion is energy in motion. There are only two primary emotions: love and fear. When you or your baby is upset, speak it. Say to your baby, “Mommy is feeling really tired and stressed right now.” Possibly even, “Mommy feels very sad right now, and I’m sorry that I can’t hold you as much as you would like.” Getting into a pattern of such communication with your baby at the earliest stages will begin to set the groundwork for his ability to communicate and identify his own feelings as he grows older. As a professional who has worked with thousands of families over the years, both children and adults, one of the biggest challenges I encounter is when a child has never had a voice. This happens as a result of the suppression caused by mis-attunement, absence, and abuse (in the worst cases.) If you are willing to talk to your baby about what you feel in a non-blaming, non-shaming manner, you will begin to teach him how to do the same. One of the tragedies of our society is that our children grow up without a voice. This is mostly due to the fact that we grew up in homes where children were to be seen and not heard. Unfortunately, when you are not heard, you soon begin to feel as though you’re not seen and not worthy either.
The loving and compassionate husband.
For moms, the act of parenting and nurturing is often quite natural. Mom always seems to know where something is, always seems to know the right thing to say, the right person to call, and the right people to ask. This is not always the case for us fathers. Now, granted, there are plenty of moms who have their fair share of parenting struggles, but I wager that there are far more dads facing those struggles. As a by-product of society and perhaps the evolution of our species over time, men have been directed for centuries to be hunters rather than gatherers. During this new age, when many of the responsibilities of parenting must be shared, the adjustments that new fathers have to make can be challenging. Here, I would like to briefly discuss a few ways that Dad can get into the attachment exchange with the baby.
When possible, do everything that Mom does: Bathe with your baby, feed your baby, be present while Mom is nursing, change diapers, take your shirt off and get skin-to-skin contact with your baby, sleep with the baby, and never ever let your past conditioning interfere with your giving affection to your baby (whether the baby is a boy or a girl.) Society has long been wrong about the role of Dad in the life of the newborn. Get in the game.
Support Mom. Caring for an infant is a full-time job plus. It is both physically and emotionally exhausting, and it will usually leave Mom feeling unattractive and tired. It’s your role to support her in every way that you can. Get up in the middle of the night with her to care for the baby. Though this is one of the great advantages of co-sleeping, I can recall many an interrupted night of sleep. Yet, my wife continued on day after day. I was constantly amazed at how she did it, but, then again, love is very powerful. See your wife as the vessel for your child’s ultimate health. If she is upset, calm her. If she is depressed, support her. Many times, new fathers can also feel overwhelmed. I suggest that you follow many of the processes outlined in this article for uncovering hidden negative associations and experiences from your own early childhood.
Examine your jealousy. Many new dads unwittingly find themselves jealous of the baby. Mom may laugh at this suggestion, but it’s not only very common but can be very painful for Dad. He has just gone from having his wife mostly to himself to having a new little person who is the center of your attention. Dad doesn’t make Mom glow like he used to, but that new little person sure does. Dad’s own early baby experiences will determine what feelings may get triggered for him. Most dads will avoid looking at or talking about such feelings because they’re embarrassed and don’t know quite what to say. It’s very simple. Just say, “I feel jealous. I feel like I must have missed out on something, and seeing you take such good care of our baby really makes me feel sad.” This is not a life or death situation, but neither is it one to be taken too seriously. Mom, you can help by just listening. Don’t get defensive because that will only initiate a negative exchange. Just listen and support, and ask Dad what he remembers about what it was like for him as a baby. This can be a great time for open communication and learning more about one another.
Wrestle with your baby. A primary evolutionary role for dads is to provide a natural experience for testosterone secretion and balancing. This is important for both boys and girls. It’s a critical role for Dad to play and also an important opportunity for attachment and bonding. Once the baby hits the six-month range, it’s acceptable to begin the typical Daddy interactions of tussling, rolling, tossing in the air, blowing bellies, carrying upside down, etc. Many such activities are also amazing brain stimulation for the baby. So, be Dad.
You are now a parent for life, but you don’t have a lifetime to give your baby the foundation that influences him throughout his life the most.
I can recall lying in bed with my wife on many occasions, and our little girl would cry out for her. I’ve rolled over, reaching for my wife’s spoon-perfect body only to find myself patting the mattress frantically as if I’m looking for an earring. Then, I realize she’s with our daughter. During these times, I notice the first tinge of jealousy and frustration. As I sit with it and recognize it even in the dead of night, I feel myself shift to the realization and acceptance that these are the most important years of my daughter’s life – the years that will continue to guide her even after I’m gone. How can I be selfish and jealous about that? I’m doing my part. As my wife is able to feel supported by me to give to our daughter, she can do so with less anxiety and fear about how I might be feeling. In this manner, she’s able to be 100% present with our child, and that alone is a great gift to give my daughter. Also, in another few years, those nightly interruptions will be gone forever. (Well, until she hits her teens, and we hear the raising of a window as she tries to sneak out!) All kidding aside, those nights will soon be in the past, and I will most likely never get to experience those nights, mornings, or afternoons again. These are the years that matter, and today is the most important. Be the best parent you can be, but remember that you don’t have to be perfect. Mistakes are normal and to be expected. Just seek to grow and learn from them, and you will be okay. Your baby only needs you to do your best, and from your baby’s perspective, your best is good enough.
This series is excerpted from Bryan Post’s e-book, Parenting Softly, available in the products section of this website. If you’ve found these tips helpful and enlightening, then you’re going to love his book! More details about the book can be found here. You can also add it to your cart by simply clicking here:
